I‰’ve clocked in my four years at this palace of higher education, and as such, I have an infinite amount of wisdom to impart to all of you. Consider yourself privileged to be able to read the thoughts that only that rare intellectual demigod with a Bachelor‰’s Degree could possibly produce. These lessons are framed in terms of musical culture, but the truth is that my impeccable grasp of the human condition means that these proverbs ought to echo from the heavens. Without further ado, what I learned in college radio is…

No one‰’s opinion matters more than your own.

Your own thought is the one that really matters because you‰’re the only one that will be endlessly subjected to it. How could it be wrong? 

There are no gatekeeping critics.

Sure, financially, “indie‰” (haha I said the word!) music is entirely dependent on Pitchfork, but that doesn‰’t mean you need to care. What does an artist‰’s financial success have to do with your enjoyment?

It‰’s better for your own sanity to admit not listening to things.

We live in the digital age, the information fucking highway. Listening to every buzz band and every new album means that you spend all your time using music to expand your ability to talk about it at parties. Party music talk is perhaps the most nauseating use of music that was ever invented.

There‰’s a big difference between listening to music and consuming it.

If I need to explain this, you‰’re definitely in the hole. Good luck pulling yourself out.

An artist‰’s personality has no bearing on their work.

Steve Albini‰’s an asshole, but he‰’s a better artist than those boring musicians whose expressive capabilities would be better realized in self-help books.

The best music is the music no one cares about.

The masses will always lag behind the genius and their own stupidity will convince them that they were right all along.

Watch shows, don‰’t take videos of them.

Studies show that you forget things when you record them. Romantic memories are way cooler than some shitty YouTube video.

Expressing why you like something is an invaluable ability and will open your eyes to the beauty in the dirt.

And lastly, keep advertising as far away as possible from the things you love.

Internalize these messages and maybe one day you too can be a graduate of American University (located in the nation‰’s capital!) that one time got like 400 views on a single article.