Pop Exodus: 25 True (100%!) Pop Facts about Q2

Carson Bear

Courtesy of Illuminati Symbols.

Investigative journalism is hard, especially when you‰’re an unpaid columnist for a college radio station. But never fear, fellow pop lovers! After some hard-hitting research at the close of the music industry‰’s Q1, I bring you 25 true pop music facts that will definitely happen in Q2.

1) Rihanna will semi-Beyonc̩ her newest album, meaning that she will not announce its release date though some singles have already been released.

2) Possibly titled R8, the new Rihanna album will feature only covers of Wings’ songs. “FourFiveSeconds‰” was a hint towards what‰’s to come and “Bitch Better Have My Money‰” was a red herring to throw us off the trail.

3) Zayn Malik, having recently quit One Direction, is currently planning his solo career to become the next Drake. He will supersede 1D in both talent and attractiveness.

4) In mid-May, successful solo artist Zayn Malik will make a triumphant return to formerly attractive band One Direction to embark on their reunion tour.

5) Carly Rae Jepsen will release what is sure to be the best album of 2015, but at least one mash-up of “I Really Like You‰” and “Call Me Maybe‰” will be released in the deluxe edition.

6) Another bonus track will be the Tom Hanks remix of “I Really Like You.‰Û

7) Britney Spears‰’ new collaboration with Iggy Azalea will include a rap in the form of a public apology for her blatant racism, homophobia and general existence.

8) Mark Ronson will feature on approximately 83% of all Q2 albums.

9) Taylor Swift‰’s music video for “Style‰” will be re-released as a more appropriate video for “Wildest Dreams.‰Û

Courtesy of Billboard.

 10) The new music video for “Style‰” will feature footage of Harry Styles and Taylor Swift feeding ducks in central park on loop.

11) HAIM and Lorde are going to collaborate together and drop a surprise single. I feel this in my bones.

12) Kanye West‰’s newest album, So Help Me God, will occasionally feature up-and-coming ex-boy-band member Zayn Malik. You thought I was going to say Paul McCartney, didn‰’t you?

13) So Help Me God will be unnecessarily extolled by Pitchfork.

14) Katy Perry will never release another piece of music again.

15) Meghan Trainor‰’s next music video will include actual time travel to the 1950s, which is where she will remain for the rest of her illustrious housewife-ing career.

16) The new Brandon Flowers album, out in May, will feature a never-before-seen return to 80s electronic synth-pop. No pop artist has ever done this before. It‰’s possible that no artist will ever be able to do so again.

17) Ciara‰’s newest album Jackie will be released in May. It will be the second best album of 2015, after Carly Rae Jepsen‰’s You.

18) The theme song for the TV show  Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt is a total earworm that will remain on the Billboard Hot 100 throughout the entirety of Q2. It will receive moderate airplay on most radio stations.

19) Shania Twain, who is currently working on a new album she wants released when she‰’s 50-years-old (Aug. 28 in case you were wondering) is going on tour this summer. Surprise guest appearances will include Destiny‰’s Child, The Backstreet Boys and Chumbawamba.

20) Little Mix will resume the U.S. tour they cancelled last October and there will be a solid week of D.C. concerts. This is not wishful thinking. These are FACTS people.

21) Florence & The Machine‰’s newest album to be released on June 1 will exclusively feature EDM and Bro-Step.

Courtesy of Consequence of Sound.

22) Florence & The Machine will no longer return to the hallowed grounds of Coachella. Flo will, however, become the new headliner for the ever popular Midwest EDM Festival.

23) With the arrival of a rumored collab album between known illuminati founders Beyonc̩ and Jay Z, the beginning of the apocalypse is nigh.

24) At first it will probably feel similar to the Hollywood writer‰’s strike of 2010, only worse. No one will be producing pop music due to the existential crisis we‰’ll all be facing: can anything exist to compare to this most unholy duo?

25) As the King and Queen ascend their thrones composed of the bodies of lesser pop stars, we will descend into a world ruled by Valencia filters and R&B Pop Fusion. Duets with Nicki, Rihanna and Kanye will abound. All children will be named after colors. The apocalypse won‰’t actually be that bad, all things considered.

Courtesy of Gawker.